“Don’t
let this guy scare you, man,” Porter tells Josh. “He’s big and kind of
intimidating, but he also wears scrunchies around his man buns. We call him
Fabio.”
I
shrug and say, “I’m not ashamed of my scrunchies. Rubber bands always get
tangled in my hair, man.”
“Or
you could just get a fucking haircut like the rest of us,” Easy says, shaking
his head.
I
gesture at him with my thumb and tell Josh, “Don’t listen to him. He’s just
jealous of my lustrous man mane.”
“Hey.”
Our team captain Anton calls out to us from the other side of the room. “If you
guys ever wonder what the difference is between the first and second lines on
this team, it’s that you guys run your fuckin’ traps while we work out.”
I
give him the finger and look over at Victor, who’s lying perfectly still on an
exercise mat.
“Yeah,
looks like Vic is really busting his ass over there.”
“I’m
resetting my chi, asshole,” Vic yells.
“Can
we start the ropes now?” Josh asks, standing nearby with the end of a thick
black rope in each hand.
“Alright,
man,” I tell him. “Some advice. You’re in charge of our training right now,
okay. Don’t ask us, tell us. Say, ‘Get your asses over here and do
ropes.’”
Josh
swallows and says, “It’s time for ropes, guys…how was that?”
Easy,
Porter and I stand in a line, all of us crossing our arms. I shake my head no.
“Deep
breath, man,” Easy tells Josh. “And then, tell us what to do like you’re the
boss and we’re just a bunch of little bitches.”
Josh
smiles, clearly nervous.
“You
can do it, Josh,” Anton calls out from a treadmill on the other side of our
team gym.
After
a deep breath, Josh looks back at us with a stern expression and uses his
deepest voice to say, “Get your asses over here and do these ropes.”
Porter
looks at me and nods, impressed. The three of us walk over and watch as Josh
uses the ropes while in a sitting position with his feet in the air, then one
arm at a time while in a plank position.
“And
then we’ll side plank,” he says, showing us how. “And I’m going to set up more
ropes so all three of you can HIIT train with them at the same time.”
The
ropes circuits he makes us do are fucking hard. He follows that up with cardio,
then more rope circuits. We end with stretching, my shirt so completely soaked
through with sweat that it pools on the mat beneath me.
“That
was brutal, man,” I tell Josh, my abs still burning with exertion.
“Yeah?”
He grins and claps his hands as we all stand up while groaning. “I’ve got
something even better planned for tomorrow.”
“Yo,
I’m not sure I’ll be able to move tomorrow,” Porter says.
“We’ve
got a game tomorrow night,” I remind Josh. “You don’t want to burn us out on a
game day.”
“Oh,
that’s right. I’m actually not working with you guys at all tomorrow, unless
you want me to stretch you out. But the day after that, be ready for a
challenge.”
“We’re
on, but only if you call us by our nicknames,” I say. “I’m Fabio.” I gesture at
Easy. “He’s Frenchie. And this guy’s Big Pussy.”
Porter
scowls. “No one has ever called me Big Pussy, dickface.”
“We
all call you that behind your back.”
Porter
looks at Easy, the silent question in his gaze.
“We
sometimes do call you that,” Easy confirms.
“What
the fuck?” Porter grumbles.
“It’s
because you make the same face that Big Pussy from The Sopranos makes,” I tell him. “And also because you’re a big
pussy.”
